The Uniqueness in Me

 I concluded, a few years ago, that loving people can be disappointing. Not because people are bad, but because they're limited. That's how they're created. It's not a fault but a default. And that's why we should give all our love to Krishna. However, today I realised.. .. . If that's true, then Krishna must be sooooo disappointed in a loving relationship with us, humans 😂 The thought made me laugh. I hope you laughed too.

 I think I put too much pressure on my professional life to be better than the best when I realised that my personal experiences are going to be different from others. I wanted my professional self to excel in everything she took up. When I realised I could be a top ranker, I pushed her hard to stay on top. When she did well, I was proud of her. She got a gold medal and I was on top of the world, but when she didn't get what I wanted her to get.. I didn't want her to exist. In the process of trying to keep up with my expectations, she lost her confidence. I'm sorry girl. I shouldn't have treated you the way I did. You are the best with or without a job. I'm sorry I didn't support you the way you supported me.  I'm sorry for not letting you experience life in an attempt to make it perfect. I'm glad you took to spirituality.

 Dear Krishna  Happiest Birthday! I still remember the day when I met you in Mayapur, West Bengal in October 2016. It was an ordinary day until that special moment came into my life. It wasn't the first time we were meeting, but whenever I met you before, I saw only a statue, an imitation of the real you.  However, that night, after a hectic day of traveling by flight for a couple of hours and then in a car for another three hours, luck favored me, and it felt like you decided to reveal yourself to me.  When we met amidst the crowd of devotees, in the light of countless diyas, something in me changed forever. I was overwhelmed when I felt your presence, and tears filled my eyes. I couldn't believe that I was actually experiencing your presence. I always thought I didn't have what it takes to connect with you as deeply as I did that night. I could never imagine that someone like me, who prayed occasionally, could experience this joy. My faith in you was flickering, an...

I am so glad I kept my Yahoo mail active. I usually use it as a backup to send those files/information that I want to delete from my phone and other email accounts. Few minutes ago, I was casually looking at my old emails flooding my inbox and I found an incredibly positive description of my disability.  I don't remember writing this at all. It is very similar to my recent blog post so I decided to call it part 2.  I hope it brings you as much joy as it brought me. July 25, 2020   I'm starting to realize that disability has never been the bad guy in my life. Somehow, it didn't bother me as child, but it won't let me be at peace as an adult. What's changed? Perhaps my expectations of myself  after I understood the real world. When I fail to meet my new expectations and those of others, I feel trapped in an unsolvable chaos. As a kid I  never felt like I'm troubling someone while they took care of me. Now, it bothers me a lot to ask people to do anything more than...

Hello folks, I think this apology has been long overdue. I'm sorry I couldn't be the ideal person with disability. I spoke fluently when I was expected to have difficulty speaking. I understood everything when I was expected to be disoriented and confused. I took up a job when I was expected to stay home and stare at the walls. I can't help but feel a sense of satisfaction in disappointing people though. When the cab driver assumes that I have to go a hospital and I take him to one of the Big Fours, I can't help but smile at his lack of awareness. Realising that I'm not an object of his pity makes me super happy. But I am sorry for the driver who's left wondering about my condition, work, and my salary. People often told me that I'll fail exams with or without scribes because of Cerebral Palsy. I disappointed them with a Gold Medal. Others told me that only freelancing jobs are suitable for me and I should stop looking for full-time roles but I let them down...

 International day for persons with disabilities just went by and I'm here to share an important thought. Last night, it occurred to me that I'm quick to complain about the limitation my disability brings with it. However, there are a number of positive things that would not be part of my life if not for my disability. I want to shift my focus to these gifts of disability. Informal Learning To start with, I didn't go to school until I was eight years old. In these years, I learnt rhymes, songs, and played like all kids but I didn't have to wake up early in the morning and sit in class like my peers. I learnt everything I needed to from my twin. I enjoyed every bit of the informal learning. Special Treatment  As a student, I could never imagine that people in the professional world would make exceptions for me. Some employers offered me  the choice to work in a shift that suits me while others gave me the work from home opportunity.  Now, isn't that special treatment...

 Hi there, What's new with you this 3rd of December? I'm trying to be more than just a content writer as I create awareness around disabilities. Recently I've started creating and posting videos about living with Cerebral Palsy and dealing with a disability in general.  I've always been shy in front of an audience on a stage or in front of a camera. However, when I am alone, I talk in front of my camera while looking and sounding decent. When I decided to make my first video, I had asked my friend to put together a series of my pictures with my voice over. This seemed easier since I only had to record my voice and avoid speaking to the camera. By the next time, however, I realised that asking my friend for help is easy but it increases my dependence on people, defeating my purpose of being independent and encouraging others like me to do the same. So I put aside all my doubts, fears and insecurities, gathered all the courage I have, and recorded a message of inclusion...

 "Why does she need to wear a saree?" "Why don't you have Parikshit check your leave balance before you apply?" "Why don't you have your mum oversee that transaction while you make it?" "Let me ask your mum if I should feed you two chapatis or one." I'm used to these kinds of questions and statements being thrown at me all the time. I knew something was off, but it was not until last year that I realized it is called infantilization. What's infantilization? For those who are reading this word for the first time, infantilization is a form of ableism where differently-abled adults are treated as children. We are treated as something less than who we are. In doing this, the able people often make decisions for their disabled counterparts believing that they are incapable of deciding what's best for them. On the occasion of the International Day for Persons with Disabilities, I thought it would be nice to discuss this phenomenon w...

 This international day of persons with disabilities, i didn't have to work hard to think of a topic. I came across an article that spoke of the etiquette of interacting with someone who has a disability. The idea excited me so much because I didn't know a lot despite living with a disability all my life. The article took me through situations I was familiar with and suprised me with things I must expect when I meet people. I believe these tiny changes in behaviour can have a positive impact on a disabled person's self respect, self image and confidence. The first is an eye contact and direct address. A lot of times, I've observed how people make their assumptions obvious. I've had visitors who'd see me and ask my mother (in front of me) if i could talk. It comes across as rude even if you don't intend it. The least you can do is make eye contact, smile and say hello. If the individual is struggling to respond then you can turn to the attender/family member....

I'm here today to share a few thoughts about inclusion. It all started with a conversation I had at a party. My friend was very impressed with all my achievements despite Cerebral Palsy. I thanked him and said that none of this would be possible without an extremely supportive family and super-inclusive educators and employers. I've had people who built ramps for me, allowed me to work half a day, work in a fixed day shift and even work from the comfort of my home. As I said this, I was thinking out loud about others like me who are not lucky enough to meet inclusive educators and employers.  Do they all have to lose out on education and employment opportunities just because of their disability? My friend said "It is not that easy. A school, college or an organisation will not create facilities without having people who need them." That's a fair argument. After all, why will any business create a product for which there's no demand?  It makes no sense from a b...

 Living with cerebral palsy I always wondered why people never fell in love with me when everyone said I look soooooooooo pretty. Does it happen only in movies?  Only married men seemed to have some interest in me so I couldn't take it any further obviously 🤣 So today I want ask my readers - have you ever been in love with a disabled person?  I've had crushes, but it never seemed to go beyond that. Mom said I never responded properly to those who may have tried to make a romantic move. Maybe... But I could never be sure. So I thought it possibly happens only in movies.  I've been people's inspiration a lot of times.. and honestly, I'm bored of that. Like Aishwarya Rai says "Mein kisi ki khwahish banna chahti hoon"  Since I spoke about inclusion, getting jobs, making infrastructure wheelchair friendly all these years, I thought I'll ask you if you have ever been in love with, dated or married someone with any disability. If yes, I'd love to know yo...

 Remember 'the black spot on the white paper' experiment? It is not leaving my mind today. I'm not sure why. I thought hard, but I couldn't decide whether it was because someone refused to see me as a contributor to society and was stuck with the idea of my limitation or because my ability was under valued many times. The spot never really bothered me as a child. Actually, I don't remember when it started bothering me. Maybe ten years ago, when I thought I can outperform the others and make people see me as the person that am, not as the girl on the wheelchair...  I thought I could change things. It seemed to work initially. I thought I'd succeeded. I thought I'd washed of the spot, but it reappeared. This time, even an excellent performance couldn't wash it away. One of my flaws has been that I'm quick to generalize. Usually, my family helps me see the brighter side. This time too, I was hoping my generalization was wrong. Sadly, it wasn't.  I c...

Dear Doctor, I hope you’re doing well. We seldom remember to ask about your well being. Thank you for taking up the responsibility of our health during the pandemic. The panic attached to it, made us unmindful of the sacrifices you make to give us a healthier life. I wonder how you endure the sleepless nights caring for strangers and the risk of exposure to constant danger with insufficient protective gear.                                                                         Despite your unconditional service to humanity, our expectations never end. We often forget that our responsibilities are mutual towards each other. Though the change in attitude will take some time, I’d like to start by saying thank you. Thank you for continuing to care for us tirelessly🤗

 I take a walk through unfamiliarity everyday, fearing the unknown. I step ahead carefully to ensure I don't damage anything around. However, I'm always damaging, yet always surprised. Perhaps, that's the only way to learn. But what's the point of this lesson if I'm not coming back to this path again?   I don't remember walking any path twice.  Maybe I did, but I just can't remember anything. I look around in this uncertain journey  Surprisingly, nobody else seemed to be bothered by unfamiliarity like I am. Is it always going to be so uncertain? I don't know..  I just walk on,  looking for some familiarity to hold on to.

  Today (December 3) is International Day of Persons With Disabilities. Every year, I make it a point to post something in my blog to create awareness. But every year I encounter a question – what new things can I tell the world about my disability? A lack of clarity makes me fear that I may be giving you the same information year after year. We need wheelchair friendly infrastructure in cities, inclusive educational institutions are required and more job opportunities for the disabled are a must. We know this.   All this is about what can be done for me. For a change, I thought I must write about what I can do for myself. Even after the government, doctors, teachers, family, friends and God have done their part, complete benefit is possible only when I start taking care of myself. Saying Yes To Professional Help I used the term professional help because it means different things for people with different kind of disabilities. For some it could be speech therapy and for ...

  Welcome back people! I can’t believe it’s been an year since we last spoke of Cerebral Palsy. On October 6 th last year, we celebrated World CP Day and I spoke of what Cerebral Palsy is and what are the variations of the disability and how it is often judged as polio in me. Today, I thought we should shift focus from the problem and the gap in providing solutions to the attempts that have been made to bridge the gap. It is a lesson that a learnt from 2020 that I must appreciate things I have today instead of crying about the things I that want or could have had. I’m going to list out things as they come to my mind and if I miss something, please let me know in the comments section. These advantages may not be specific to CP, but they definitely make it a little easier to live with this disability.     I’m going to talk about my favorite thing first – I can go to the mall and the movies with my friends and family. Yay! I’m glad that I’m living at a time when most...

Loud and sudden sounds have always startled me. But I experienced something different today. For the first time, I was startled by the thought of the death of my friend. I heard the news few hours ago, but moments before I started writing this blog, I said it out loud to mom, and I startled mid sentence. 2020 has been startling me in more ways than I could ever imagine. It feels extremely weird to lose two friends within months. I don't know how to get used to this. None of these people were my best friends, but there's a feeling I can't push away. It startles me every now and then and stays until I find a distraction.  Just when I think its over now and 2020 is going to be amazing, I hear something horrible. As heartbreaking as it was, I said "okay fine" to losing a job. I knew things can get better. Some job is waiting for me. But with people going away I don't know what to think. Its not a feeling that'll go away with a chocolate. I'm trying...

It is a story of being stuck. A story of limited resources. A story where everything is as precious as gold and maybe gold is not as precious any more. With my disability I feel a little more confined than all of you. Maybe now you are getting a tad bit of a taste of my life. But it's not all that bad. I get to turn my attention to things I never had time for. I went back to my childhood through tv shows and coloring books to rediscover the joy. The lockdown made me appreciate things that I had taken for granted. Next time I step out I'll probably be happy that I have somewhere to go even if it just to the office. Traffic and crowds won't be an annoyance anymore. They'll be the normalcy that I've been craving for. The feeling of maddening isolation has made me connect more often to my loved ones than I otherwise did. I realized that we (at least I) have spent most of my time in isolation anyway, excluding the occasional parties of course :p We're probabl...

With more time in hand than I ever had, I let myself aimlessly daydream about who I used to be before I became who I am today. So, I went into the flashback and saw, with very little clarity, a younger me, who is shockingly different in her ideas, attitude and self image. She was braver, carefree, confident and, if I may say, prettier than me. Speaking of "pretty" she didn't even care about being what I believe she was. Surprised by the qualities, I tried to rediscover my younger self only to meet a completely different person. Someone I had forgotten. Someone who became silently nonexistent as my present self took over. The food that I liked, the faces that made me blush, the ideas of entertainment.. none of these seem to appeal to me anymore. The silliest things that I said with utmost confidence are now only a cause of embarrassment for me. Sometimes, when mum tells me about the things that I said or shows me a picture of a dress I wore, I'm shocked! Shocked beca...

It didn't feel like our birthday this year. I tried telling myself that it's okay. I tried to apply what I had learnt on Instagram. The post read "Reduce your sense of entitlement. You'll be at peace." I intend to live by it. I really do. And I'm trying. I tried to apply it here, but I couldn't. I know you tried to be with me, like always, because I did too. But things aren't always like we'd want them to be and probably that's how we have a verity of experiences. Cutting the cake felt strange. I didn't have the hand that actually does the job while I pretend. I could blow out the candle only in the second attempt, but I made a wish that it should never be the same again. I fought my tears while I did this. I fought well. Everyone's been telling me to accept the change and move on. They said it's okay and I should celebrate anyway because time is precious and these moments won't come back. I know they're right, but I'...